Have some jokes!

Hello Nurse!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

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THE POKER PLAYER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife
Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John
upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he
did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons andJohn
doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mastering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed

$500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his
way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

----------------

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is
your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the
blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for
the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!

------------

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the
fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated
next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."